Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
