I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
