my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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