when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
