but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
