conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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