Only a mothe r could love this liver
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
sarcasm needs its own font
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize
