Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
