I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Randomize
