nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
