forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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