I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
We smell like vodka and hangover
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