Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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