Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
