Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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