pedialite and red bull = repair kit
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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