she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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