For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
