Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
