I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
