I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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