She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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