we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
