Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
