Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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