yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
