i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
are you so shy because you have an std?
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
