mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
