If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
