Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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