Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
