I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
