my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
