pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize