At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
