trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
