i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
