the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
