Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
