I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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