I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize