I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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