True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
