My first STD was from a foam party
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
