Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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