so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
