Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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