theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize