DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
