So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
