At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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