I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Randomize
