You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
