dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
