Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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