Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
