Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
