she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
