Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
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