she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
