I wish I could punch you in the face.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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