my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
