i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
