Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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