Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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