Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
