I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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