I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
