he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
