Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Such a big mess for such a small penis
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize