he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
